They are trying to kill me...

So I am finally able to get out of bed. I have been having the mother of all panic attacks. I think my paranoia finally proved me right. Yesterday I woke up with nausea (nothing new as lithium always gives me nausea, dry mouth, and a hand tremor). Well I take my lithium and low and below it's all I can do to keep from spewing ALL DAY LONG. I did puke a few times, and the rest were dry heaves (which can be worse IMO). I didn't think I was toxic because last time I had a tremor and tics, and so my husband looks it up. I definitely knew I wasn't prego. I had 4 of the symptoms. Okay, no big deal, some can be attributed to other things....
1. Severe nausea/vomiting
2. Lethargy
3. Lack of coordination (hence my bike accident)
4. Difficulty walking (crutches, duh)
I'm so glad I didn't pop my evening dose and just hit the sack, I could barely keep my eyes open. So I go to the ER. I'm waiting, and waiting. I was alone and out of nowhere I am hit with these horrible, "I'm going to die" panic attacks. I had them get me back to a room and I took a Klonopin, but because I am on it as maintenance, it did nothing. So they gave me an Ativan. Still thinking I was probably okay, I called the husband to meet me. It turns out I was so dehydrated (always dry mouth so couldn't tell) that I needed fluids and it took them 7, yes you heard me, 7 attempts for an IV and bloodwork. They even had to use a warmer and I absolutely cannot stand when they poke around in my hand, theres no meat there and it hurts so bad.

Anyway, my level comes back at 1.8 (it was .97 just a few days ago), and they want to keep me overnight. They give me fluids all night and check again in the morning, and I'm down to 1.4 so they send me home. I asked for a printout of my lab results, and I took them to my nurse practitioner (the only medical professional I trust). She basically told me there's nothing she can do for me when I explained that I would be coming off lithium and that I had warned her when I went on (this was the reason I was scared to, I was toxic previously) that if I got toxic that was it. We went over why my level could have gone up and she basically said it was my fault.
1. I went biking (I guess we're not allowed to exercise?)
2. I had a few drinks over the weekend (I also told her I was going to be honest and drink occassionally when she put me on the med and this was the first time I had more than just 1 - I tend to have trouble knowing my limit sometimes, I will admit)
3. I let myself get dehydrated (again I had no idea as I always have dry mouth)

So there goes the 1 person I thought would be on my side. She offered no support when I declined trying another med and no support for the panic attacks I was still feeling. I came home and called my "fill in" psychologist who also was no help and I ended up feeling more panicked when we got off. I'm so scared to take ANY med now, that I would not even take any Gravol (which I have never taken before) because I was scared something bad would happen. I just lived with the nausea and hugged the trashcan.

She wants to see me later this week with my husband. Why does everyone ask to speak to my husband? Am I not an adault? Can things not be told to me like I am a little child? He's not going to change my mind. Not only have I wrecked my knee and dealth with unbearable side effects, I now almost let them kill me a second time with these meds.... and I'm paranoid about meds.... right....