I realized I didn't blog today. It's still today to me because I haven't gone to bed yet. I am a bit of a night owl. I guess the best time to write is when you are suffering... I mean that's where a lot of artists, poets, writers, and other creative individuals pull from. Well I have decided to be 100% honest in this blog (without giving away my identity), so if you are easily upset or affected by others, then you may not want to continue.

Tonight I am having panic attacks. That is what recently put me in the hospital... long story short is I had a bad reaction to a med that mimicked a panic attack, but it lasted for about 7 hours. I went to the ER and starting having real panic attacks as a result. I felt traumatized. Those of you who have experienced the really bad, "I'm going to die", sheer terror ones will be able to sympathize. I spent the next week laying on the couch having rolling waves of panic attacks and my Klonopin wasn't working for the first time. I eventually snapped and took a lot of them, wanting them to work because I couldn't take feeling that way anymore and felt it was inhumane. I mean, a person who really has a heart attack or whatnot, don't experience the symptoms that long.

Well I was released from the hospital a little over a week ago (decently heavily medicated), and last night I had 3 waves of them. I went to bed early out of fear of having more. Tonight I had about 3 more. Focusing on something I had committed to doing and had no choice of getting out of without screwing over about 10 people, helped a little but not enough. I don't know if they will ever end. I also can't decide which is worse, panic attacks or deep depression...