Today I am feeling a mixture of emotions. Surprise at my doc for deciding to respect my wishes about no lithium or heavy drugs, on the condition that I check in with her 3 times a week. I went from nonstop panic attacks all day long to 1 today... and they were different than normal so now I am wondering if it was part of the toxicity. It was like a burning in my chest that made me panic. A lot of times I get short of breath, etc. Anyway, today I only had 1, which was......
And I jinxed myself. I just got hit with this weird wave of depression... you know, the kind that hits you out of nowhere and scares you because you have no idea what caused it and where it came from? Well that in turn caused me to start to panic... So here I go again. Is it the lithium leaving my body messing with chemicals or just me? I want to scream and cry and am panicking all at the same time. Every day seems to be a little easier. I may just go to bed super early and hope for the best tomorrow.
I am extremely angry as I called the mental health center to see where I was on the wait list (I was supposed to be at the top - after 8 months of being top priority - and was told that I was taken off the list because I am in a day program at the hospital (which is strictly educational and does not deal with personal issues one bit) and that my nurse practitioner has counselled me a bit. I am livid about that. I sent her an email and called and left her a message. I NEED therapy. Especially since I'm going almost drug-free. If they don't fix this I don't know what I'll do. I can't start at the bottom of that list again.... idiots....
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