Nothing's alright, nothing is fine

You know how most people after a busy day(s) are relieved to be able to finally relax? Well I somehow got some wires mixed there and actually feel depressed. I had a very busy weekend that I dreaded at first, a lot to do with my medication side effects, and I also had an accident. I am okay, but it was very painful and now I can add pain killers to my med list, and hop around on crutches. Over the weekend I got drunk and eventually was feeling no pain so I started walking around on it(my knee) like nothing was wrong, and then went to a dance club. I have no idea what I was thinking. So I spent 3 hours dancing on it. Needless to say, I am paying for it today both in pain in my knee as well as a horrible hangover and now severe depression since everything has settled and I'm back to my nothingness. I put myself in stupid situations and I don't know if it's subconscious punishment or it's another form of self injury. (My accident was really an accident) but I am upset because it would not have happened had my lithium not been throwing me so off balance with my tremors.

My level is in the higher therapeutic range, and I have all sorts of nasty side effects. I tell them I don't think it's worth it, but they won't take me off of it. I have chronic nausea, dry mouth, and hand tremors. If I try to do anything specific with my hands they will shake like crazy. It's embarrassing and I had to hide it from people. So I am sitting here, listening to depressing music, because I can't will myself to do anything else, especially since moving around is a large task in itself. I feel like people don't care about me and I lash out at them. I feel this constant need for attention, especially male attention. I always feel that I am just walking along the ledge, peering over one shoulder to see the "normal" civilization, and over the other to put myself out of my misery.

These lyrics I can really relate to right now, but if you are easily triggered, do not read below this point.

I never realized I was spread too thin

Till it was too late

And I was empty within

Hungry!

Feeding on chaos

And living in sin

Downward spiral where do I begin?

It all started when

I lost my mother

No love for myself

And no love for another.

Searching to find a love up on a higher level

Finding nothing but questions and devils

Cuz Im losing my sight

Losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me in fine

Losing my sight

Losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me Im fine

Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine

Im running and Im crying

Im crying

I'm crying

I'm crying

I'm crying

I can't go on living this way