Not Again! Serotonin Syndrome!?!

Only me, who has this many issues on medications, I swear. I have a phobia about meds now, due to all of this. I decided no more heavy meds, period. So I was even anxious to start another med, but Wellbutrin isn't exactly good for anxiety so they wanted me to switch off of it. I chose Zoloft, because I was on it twice before with no issues (approx 7-8 years ago). The only other meds I was taking was BusSpar 7.5 mg twice daily and clonazepam as needed... then a multivitamin and fish oil. I picked up the Zoloft and was supposed to start 50 mg at bedtime for the first week then up it to 100. I took it that night, and seemed to feel wierd and not be able to fall asleep. At first I thought it was just my anxiety about meds so I took some Benedryl and it knocked me out about 2 hours after I took it. I woke up 5 hours later with a start, feeling like my chest was on fire and going to explode. My skin hurt everywhere, and I was twitching which I could not seem to control. I woke the hubby up and he looked it up and said it sounded like something called serotonin syndrome, which I had never heard of. Since it was Saturday early a.m. my only option was to go to the ER. I waited 4 hours, then the doc saw me and confirmed and said it was probably caused by too much serotonin from Zoloft and BuSpar. She told me all I could do was wait it out so I went home...

I slept for an hour then went to see the pharmacist who gave me the meds and she was in awe, as she had never seen anyone actually have it. It felt great to be so admired at a time like that *glares*. She told me to take my BuSpar or I'd go into withdrawal. So I took it. About 30 min later I got much worse and had to go back to the ER. They admitted me to acute care for the day and gave me fluids and monitored me. All my results came back negative so they told me the same thing... not to take the BuSpar because it wouldn't cause withdrawal though, and only time will help.

I felt so awful. I could literally feel my hair growing in my skin and when they just touched me for chest moitors, IVs, etc it actually hurt. I kept getting this rolling heat that came through my chest, down my arms and into my stomach. Suprisingly, I barely panicked. I only really panicked when I first woke up and then after the BuSpar. If I can make it through that how can I panic every day over much smaller things? It's so despairing....

Today I am feeling better... tremors are gone and heat is gone. I am shaky and weak and my skin is a lot less sore. I am currently taking nothing but some nexium for an ulcer. I am really wondering how much more I can take and why me =(

Need to post during the day

I find I am feeling better during the day, and I get almost cocky that my daily panic attacks have stopped, until night time comes around and BAM out of nowhere it hits me. I get really bad, and thinking or even blogging about it makes me worse. So from now on I am going to make an effort to do it during the day when I am feeling well. I am told I have an ulcer from the lithium incident, so I am on Nexium for 2 weeks (hopefully) and it should be gone. I really hope so, because I cannot stand any weird feelings in my chest. It scares me and makes me panic more. It all started a few years ago with an allergic reaction to a med while I was in ICU. Ever since then, I get really weird about anything that could possibly affect my breathing. Then the Immitrex thing a month ago just did me in. Panic attacks almost every day since. I refuse to take Klonopin today. I've made it this far, and if I get that bad I'll just go to bed. I've been on it daily for a month and I don't want to form an addiction, plus I already feel it doesn't work as good as it used to.... or maybe I'm just worse.

I was informed today I am being assigned to a Psychologist (it's only been 8 months as a high priority, ya see) and to stop the Day Program. So hopefully I'll be getting a phone call in the next few days with who specifically it is, and when my first appointment is. I cannot wait. All I have asked for from the start is therapy, no drugs, no hospital, just therapy. Somehow they think I was only listed for a Psychiatrist at first, which is not true. In fact, I specified no Psychiatrist as I did not want to be medicated. So far, the health system here in Canada really scares me. I dunno if its just my area, or all of Canada but I'd love some input on that. Maybe I need to move to a more populated area or something lol.

My dad is coming up to visit in 2 weeks and I really hope I have a grip on these panic attacks as he may want to go out at night, which is when I am the worst, and he is not very understanding when it comes to psychiatric issues. I will give him credit that he has tried in the past few years, but some comments tell me that he's not quite there.

Angry and Bitter

So tonight the hubby goes out to party, which I cannot partake in because I am suffering so much (which noone seems to notice by the way). All the power to him. I encouraged it and was happy for him to go and have fun. I just assumed doing as bad as I have been, that he would have thought to call me maybe even once to check up and make sure I was still alive... but no. And when I mention it I get a response along the lines of "I didn't think of it until it was too late." He has a right to be bitter with me. I got into a situation and didn't tell him right away. I have an issue with confrontation. When I was raped, I stayed around. When I was domestically abused, I took it for 3 years. So when someone tried something with me, I didn't mention it right away. I have no idea why, it just scares me. So he's angry at me, and I completely understand. But why make me pay now? Why shut me out and ignore me and give me the silent treatment and treat me like trash when I am already suffering so much? I know it's hard to understand the depth of someone's suffering unless you have gone through it, but I have thoroughly explained it. This is the worst time ever, and he's the only person I have to turn to, as I am far away from my family. So when he decides he hates me and turns on me I am REALLY alone, more so than I normally feel. So now I am bitter, because I feel like I have no support system during this very trying time. I feel traumatized, minimized, and maybe it's just my anger (Since I am BPD and tend to jump between love and hate) but I don't know if I can forgive him not being here for me during this. This is major to me. I don't see how someone could not grasp the severity of my situation. I couldn't realize if the distance started at his recent anger, or if it's been that way for a while now, and I guess I think it is a little bit of both. Catch 22 I surmise.

Haven't wrote much

Sorry I haven't wrote much. I find when I am doing worse I can't write because it makes me worse. I thought the last 2 days I was making progress with the panic, then today I got it again. I can't seem to break the associations with it. Any time I watch a movie, I get one. Or when I take a medication I've never taken before, leave the house, and a few other things that I was doing when one happened. For me they aren't just a few minutes either (lately, anyway). They tend to be up to an hour, then I keep getting waves of them over and over. I have a crisis number, but find it useless with panic as I cannot speak when I'm having an attack because it makes me more winded and in turn makes me panic even more. I'm scared to be alone, yet can't have anyone too close or I feel claustrophobic. I feel that the people around me don't understand how debilitating they are, and it is frustrating. I also don't feel they understand the magnitude of what I am going through with the lithium toxicity.

Can we say overmedicate much? This is a pic I took of SOME (leftovers) of the meds that I was put on over the last 2-3 years. This is not including all the meds I took and threw away, etc. I have crossed out confidential information for obvious reasons, but this is 2 large ziplock bags that covered almost 2 complete couch cushions. This just fuels my anti-medications/over-medication stance. Nuff said...

Alone

All I can say today is alone, sad, and scared... overwhelmingly so.

Every day is a little better

Today I am feeling a mixture of emotions. Surprise at my doc for deciding to respect my wishes about no lithium or heavy drugs, on the condition that I check in with her 3 times a week. I went from nonstop panic attacks all day long to 1 today... and they were different than normal so now I am wondering if it was part of the toxicity. It was like a burning in my chest that made me panic. A lot of times I get short of breath, etc. Anyway, today I only had 1, which was......


And I jinxed myself. I just got hit with this weird wave of depression... you know, the kind that hits you out of nowhere and scares you because you have no idea what caused it and where it came from? Well that in turn caused me to start to panic... So here I go again. Is it the lithium leaving my body messing with chemicals or just me? I want to scream and cry and am panicking all at the same time. Every day seems to be a little easier. I may just go to bed super early and hope for the best tomorrow.

I am extremely angry as I called the mental health center to see where I was on the wait list (I was supposed to be at the top - after 8 months of being top priority - and was told that I was taken off the list because I am in a day program at the hospital (which is strictly educational and does not deal with personal issues one bit) and that my nurse practitioner has counselled me a bit. I am livid about that. I sent her an email and called and left her a message. I NEED therapy. Especially since I'm going almost drug-free. If they don't fix this I don't know what I'll do. I can't start at the bottom of that list again.... idiots....

Hanging on by a thread

This will be short and sweet as talking about it makes me way worse. I have basically spent the past 48 hours having panic attack after panic attack. I have been to an appointment thinking they would do some relaxation with me or something but they just kept talking about how I need to rehydrate. I have another tomorrow, where they asked to see the hubby and I think it's to try to talk me into staying on lithium. I dunno what I'm going to do if these panic attacks don't subside, they are the scariest thing in the world and if you've had them before and can imagine having them nonstop for 48 hours I am sure you can understand my suffering :(

They are trying to kill me...

So I am finally able to get out of bed. I have been having the mother of all panic attacks. I think my paranoia finally proved me right. Yesterday I woke up with nausea (nothing new as lithium always gives me nausea, dry mouth, and a hand tremor). Well I take my lithium and low and below it's all I can do to keep from spewing ALL DAY LONG. I did puke a few times, and the rest were dry heaves (which can be worse IMO). I didn't think I was toxic because last time I had a tremor and tics, and so my husband looks it up. I definitely knew I wasn't prego. I had 4 of the symptoms. Okay, no big deal, some can be attributed to other things....
1. Severe nausea/vomiting
2. Lethargy
3. Lack of coordination (hence my bike accident)
4. Difficulty walking (crutches, duh)
I'm so glad I didn't pop my evening dose and just hit the sack, I could barely keep my eyes open. So I go to the ER. I'm waiting, and waiting. I was alone and out of nowhere I am hit with these horrible, "I'm going to die" panic attacks. I had them get me back to a room and I took a Klonopin, but because I am on it as maintenance, it did nothing. So they gave me an Ativan. Still thinking I was probably okay, I called the husband to meet me. It turns out I was so dehydrated (always dry mouth so couldn't tell) that I needed fluids and it took them 7, yes you heard me, 7 attempts for an IV and bloodwork. They even had to use a warmer and I absolutely cannot stand when they poke around in my hand, theres no meat there and it hurts so bad.

Anyway, my level comes back at 1.8 (it was .97 just a few days ago), and they want to keep me overnight. They give me fluids all night and check again in the morning, and I'm down to 1.4 so they send me home. I asked for a printout of my lab results, and I took them to my nurse practitioner (the only medical professional I trust). She basically told me there's nothing she can do for me when I explained that I would be coming off lithium and that I had warned her when I went on (this was the reason I was scared to, I was toxic previously) that if I got toxic that was it. We went over why my level could have gone up and she basically said it was my fault.
1. I went biking (I guess we're not allowed to exercise?)
2. I had a few drinks over the weekend (I also told her I was going to be honest and drink occassionally when she put me on the med and this was the first time I had more than just 1 - I tend to have trouble knowing my limit sometimes, I will admit)
3. I let myself get dehydrated (again I had no idea as I always have dry mouth)

So there goes the 1 person I thought would be on my side. She offered no support when I declined trying another med and no support for the panic attacks I was still feeling. I came home and called my "fill in" psychologist who also was no help and I ended up feeling more panicked when we got off. I'm so scared to take ANY med now, that I would not even take any Gravol (which I have never taken before) because I was scared something bad would happen. I just lived with the nausea and hugged the trashcan.

She wants to see me later this week with my husband. Why does everyone ask to speak to my husband? Am I not an adault? Can things not be told to me like I am a little child? He's not going to change my mind. Not only have I wrecked my knee and dealth with unbearable side effects, I now almost let them kill me a second time with these meds.... and I'm paranoid about meds.... right....

Nothing's alright, nothing is fine

You know how most people after a busy day(s) are relieved to be able to finally relax? Well I somehow got some wires mixed there and actually feel depressed. I had a very busy weekend that I dreaded at first, a lot to do with my medication side effects, and I also had an accident. I am okay, but it was very painful and now I can add pain killers to my med list, and hop around on crutches. Over the weekend I got drunk and eventually was feeling no pain so I started walking around on it(my knee) like nothing was wrong, and then went to a dance club. I have no idea what I was thinking. So I spent 3 hours dancing on it. Needless to say, I am paying for it today both in pain in my knee as well as a horrible hangover and now severe depression since everything has settled and I'm back to my nothingness. I put myself in stupid situations and I don't know if it's subconscious punishment or it's another form of self injury. (My accident was really an accident) but I am upset because it would not have happened had my lithium not been throwing me so off balance with my tremors.

My level is in the higher therapeutic range, and I have all sorts of nasty side effects. I tell them I don't think it's worth it, but they won't take me off of it. I have chronic nausea, dry mouth, and hand tremors. If I try to do anything specific with my hands they will shake like crazy. It's embarrassing and I had to hide it from people. So I am sitting here, listening to depressing music, because I can't will myself to do anything else, especially since moving around is a large task in itself. I feel like people don't care about me and I lash out at them. I feel this constant need for attention, especially male attention. I always feel that I am just walking along the ledge, peering over one shoulder to see the "normal" civilization, and over the other to put myself out of my misery.

These lyrics I can really relate to right now, but if you are easily triggered, do not read below this point.

I never realized I was spread too thin

Till it was too late

And I was empty within

Hungry!

Feeding on chaos

And living in sin

Downward spiral where do I begin?

It all started when

I lost my mother

No love for myself

And no love for another.

Searching to find a love up on a higher level

Finding nothing but questions and devils

Cuz Im losing my sight

Losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me in fine

Losing my sight

Losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me Im fine

Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine

Im running and Im crying

Im crying

I'm crying

I'm crying

I'm crying

I can't go on living this way

I have to sleep sometime, right? RIGHT?

So I ended up with 3 hours of sleep last night and feel utterly exhausted, yet again I can not sleep. I tried to nap and no go. My mind is so slow and I feel even worse with my speaking and trying to say whats in my head but not having it come out right. In fact I'm so tired it feels like too much effort to write everything I wanted to today. I had to be up early for 2 appointments and blood work. I will see what my lithium is tomorrow, hopefully. That is all for now folks.

Insomnia FTL

So the past 3 mornings I have woken up on my own at 8:47 on the dot. That is a very odd coincidence. A few nights ago I only got a tiny bit of sleep, so I assumed I'd sleep in this morning because I was so tired... no go. So I was wide awake during the morning (and I am not a morning person, trust me) then the afternoon comes and my eyes are sore and heavy yet I cannot nap. So now it's 2 a.m. and I cannot fall asleep even though I feel utterly exhausted. I have to be up early for 2 appointments tomorrow morning as well, so this is not going to be good. And you know how insomnia goes, your mind keeps going and won't shut off. I have taken some Benedryl and we will see how long it takes to zonk me out...

I am very curious to see what my lithium level will be. I guess I"ll have to wait until Friday though. Either my level is getting high, or I'm just having oh so fun side effects from the dose increase. My level jumps like crazy. On a Monday it was like .4ish and then on Friday in the hospital they did it again and it was .99. I hate being medicated. It strips me of my creativity. I'm foggy, and I think people around me must be able to tell I have issues because I forget what I'm saying halfway through a sentence, or my mind is thinking one thing and it's coming out all wrong. When I am "manic" I get all sorts of creativity. That's why I guess a lot of artists/actors/etc suffer from mental illness... it gives them that creativity. I miss mine... I long for it.

Warning, mood swings ahead!

Today the obvious seems unobvious to me. I am realizing things that should be common sense. I am also extra shaky. I will have to have my lithium level checked (because we all know how fun being toxic is!). I'm thinking things I want to say and they're not coming out as good as I'd like. I'm told the meds that are supposed to be helping me are causing me to become more angry and more panic attacks... the exact things they are to be helping. I am angry at everyone around me, unable to keep it to myself, accusing them of purposely avoiding me and leaving me out of things.

I haven't gone much into my past, so I'll start now with my current diagnosis. I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar type 2, GAD, Panic Disorder, Agorophobia, and OCD. I think that's all.... It has changed multiple times but everything except the bipolar I agree with. I'm not sure on that one, because BPD can mimic Bipolar symptoms.

Paranoid Anxiety?

I was thinking back today while in the shower... and I can't remember the name of this boy I went to high school with that had an innocent crush on me whom my crazy ex beat up. I think that's really sad, considering it was caused by me. I should at least remember his name, right?

Panic attacks are still rampant, and I'm worried that it's my Klonopin. I've never been on it maintenance before, but now I am and I'm wondering if I'm building a tolerance to it. I've made a few calls, but haven't heard back and it's not doing much for reassurance as they will probably tell me some bullshit about relaxation (which I've been doing all morning, trust me).

I am told I have paranoia about medications. I refuse most of them, terrified of their side effects. Tardive dyskinesia which may be irreversible? No thanks. I've dealt with the tremors, weight gain, dry mouth, nausea, but that is one side effect I will not take the risk. At the rate my life is moving, I would be one of that unlucky 4% or whatever it is to get it. I don't think my fears are unfounded. I am hesitant about any med. In fact, to the point that I panic when I start new meds. In the previous post is the perfect example. I have also had 2 severe allergic reactions to nausea meds (so now when I get painkillers or anything I have to suffer), and it seems I tend to get a lot of adverse effects. I know people say that everyone claims to be "medication sensitive", but I seriously think I am. Maybe it has something to do with my allergies (I have horrible allergies that no meds works for 24/7). My liver enzymes went nuts when put on any of the newer antipsychotics, and my liver actually just got back to normal ranges after their last attempt 1 year ago almost exactly. It caused me steatosis as well. So am I paranoid? Or do the doctors just not care because it's not them they have to worry about having chronic uncontrollable spasms and writhing movements. People I talk to seem to think I'm not unreasonable, but not 1 person in the medical field agrees with me... Who will win this battle, hmmm?

I realized I didn't blog today. It's still today to me because I haven't gone to bed yet. I am a bit of a night owl. I guess the best time to write is when you are suffering... I mean that's where a lot of artists, poets, writers, and other creative individuals pull from. Well I have decided to be 100% honest in this blog (without giving away my identity), so if you are easily upset or affected by others, then you may not want to continue.

Tonight I am having panic attacks. That is what recently put me in the hospital... long story short is I had a bad reaction to a med that mimicked a panic attack, but it lasted for about 7 hours. I went to the ER and starting having real panic attacks as a result. I felt traumatized. Those of you who have experienced the really bad, "I'm going to die", sheer terror ones will be able to sympathize. I spent the next week laying on the couch having rolling waves of panic attacks and my Klonopin wasn't working for the first time. I eventually snapped and took a lot of them, wanting them to work because I couldn't take feeling that way anymore and felt it was inhumane. I mean, a person who really has a heart attack or whatnot, don't experience the symptoms that long.

Well I was released from the hospital a little over a week ago (decently heavily medicated), and last night I had 3 waves of them. I went to bed early out of fear of having more. Tonight I had about 3 more. Focusing on something I had committed to doing and had no choice of getting out of without screwing over about 10 people, helped a little but not enough. I don't know if they will ever end. I also can't decide which is worse, panic attacks or deep depression...

Day 2

Still feeling pretty crappy. I feel so alone even though someone is around me 24/7 and I hung out with friends (the ones who know nothing about what demons lurk within me), but it still feels lonely as soon as the attention is turned away. And that itself, is tricky. I want attention, NEED attention, but if I perceive it as being the wrong kind then it has the reverse effect and I freak right out. I feel bored all of the time, yet the littlest amount of responsibility makes me overly stressed and running around like a lunatic. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too, but I want a sliver, damnit!

Just Another Day

I feel like total shit today, but that is no different than any other day. Why is it, when we feel depressed we want to listen to depressing music? The thought of watching a happy movie right now makes me want to puke. And then there's the people who think you can just suck it up and it will all be ok. Those are the worst. They should fall and break a leg, then I can tell them "You don't need to go to the hospital, just suck it up and it'll be ok." Yah, how do you like them apples. I won't get into what my many issues are because at the moment, I am exhausted from talking about them over and over again. My song of the day is Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls, as it is very fitting. A friend pointed it out, and it really does...

"And you bleed just to know you're alive"