Medication Phobia - Why is it not treated as any other phobia?!?

So I've been stewing over the hard time every health care profession I see is giving me over my "refusal to take meds". Let me expand. I am not REFUSING meds, just heavy meds (antipsychotics, lithium, etc). I was quite willing to start Zoloft and give it a chance (even though I don't have much faith in SSRI's as I have been on so many of them in the past), and had a nasty bout of serotonin syndrome. My NP (I think I mentioned this before) didn't believe me and told me I didn't really have it, even though an ER doc and pharmacist saw me during it and both confirmed it (I believe pharmacists over most docs about meds - they know the chemical makeup so much better).

I hate being called a liar or hypochondriac, really hits a nerve. Anyhow, every time these people (NP, psychiatrist, therapist who runs my Day Therapy program) talk about how I am "non-med compliant and refusing meds" and how I will not get better unless I take them or it will just be a lot harder to recover, I simply repeat again that I am not refusing, I am terrified. Three horrible incidents with meds in a 2 month span induced a med phobia with me - not that I liked them much to begin with.

So, I have asked numerous times how to get past this and take the Zoloft or any other med for that matter because I panic even with OTC meds now, and I am told to just take it. That is not how other phobias are treated. If someone is agoraphobic *cough* they are told to be home alone, then maybe walk to the mailbox, then stay outside 5 minutes, and gradually work up to confronting their fears - exposure and response, right? So why is this being treated so differently? It really peeves me to be taken as "hostile" even though I explain it every time. I can not be the only person in the world who has had a medication phobia, comeon! *stomps feet*

New Endeavors

So I am trying to focus on non-medicinal therapies. I have gotten a TON of different things to listen to on guided imagery, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, breathing, sleep aids, and hypnosis. A friend recently told me it seemed to help his anxiety, so I've been looking into it. I am really into Dr. Andrew Weil and I think I'm going to try out "Heal Yourself With Medical Hypnosis" first. I have quite a few issues I could use it for (IE tension headaches, IBS, etc) but first and foremost for me is anxiety. These panic attacks have to stop once and for all. I really think the medical professionals I have been in contact with lately have brought down my hope... telling me I won't get better without meds and therapy won't help. Well I am going to prove them wrong, if it's the last thing I do. Mind over matter, baby. I listened to his first CD and it's about an hour of him explaining how hypnosis works and the power the mind has over the sympathetic nervous system. He even talks about how people who have cold hands and feet due to bad circulation (me 100% - I am like ice!) should try it as it is a sign that they are susceptible to the sympathetic nervous system causing issues. We shall see. I hope I'm in that 70% that is receptive to the suggestiveness of it *crosses fingers*.

"In general, I believe that no condition is out of bounds for trying hypnotherapy on."- Dr. Andrew Weil, Author and Health Expert

Time Magazine reports in "Mind Over Medicine" how hypnosis is becoming an alternative to sedation. March 2006.

Hypnosis is AMA Approved
Hypnosis was accepted by the American Medical Association (AMA) in 1959 as a valuable & non-invasive therapy.

*Lets see, shall we? :)

If you can't beat it...

Then become a master of it? Isn't that what Batman does for fighting villains? He studies them and becomes a vigilante. I want to be like Batman! I've thought about it on and off for awhile, but I know that when this is all said and done (because I really believe it will be one day), I will help others. I keep thinking "If I'm not getting the help I need, then what better way but becoming a "specialist" myself." So, I've been toying with getting a degree, but from what I hear you now need a doctorate (in like 2010 or 2011) to become a clinical psychologist. I want to help people and I'm not sure what a Bachelor's or Master's (which I really don't want to do as I don't want to put more than 4 more years into schooling) would enable me to do in the field. You would think if there's a shortage of health care professionals... making the requirements higher is going to help, eh? I feel I am constantly reminded of this. I must admit I am a bit of a sap for romance (Okay, okay a HUGE sap), and I occasionally will admit to reading some lovey dovey novels (I openly admit to loving chick flicks). Well I am reading a Nora Robert's novel called Sea Swept. This is my first Nora Robert's novel, and it actually doesn't have a lot of romance in it and I'm already halfway done. Anyway, my point is the social worker got into social work because she was in the system and saw how crappy it could be and wanted to help others like her. She was raped and her mother was killed at a young age, which made her rebel and get into all sorts of trouble, and what pulled her out was a worker who never gave up on her.... I think that's what I'm missing :(

2 Days and No Panic?? Can It Be!?!

I made it all the way through yesterday without a panic attack. I am shocked and happy, though trying not to get my hopes too high, as it feels too good to be true. But I am pretty far into today, and still nothing. I seem to get them around 6-8 every night (not sure why, maybe due to trauma happening in the evening previously, as I have always been more depressed at night) and it's now 8 o'clock.

I saw the NP again today, and she said she was glad to see me because she felt bad about our last visit and I guess stuff like that is why BPD's switch therapists so often. We had a nice chat about my coping/anger issues, and I guess there is a study/interview they are doing from Canadian Mental Health, and 5 locations throughout Canada were selected to be studied. Here is the first location and I am told I'm a major contributor towards their opinion (as they find my case complicated and interesting) and what information they're providing to them, so in a way I am helping shape Canadian mental health standards and research LOL.... poor, poor Canadians :P

Bad Session....

Over 30 days with not a day gone by and no panic attack. I feel like I am going out of my mind. I met with my nurse practitioner today to followup and she basically told me all the medical things that happened to me are in my head, and that she hasn't even bothered sending off any of my referrals. I don't know why she pushed me knowing I have been feeling suicidal due to all the nonstop panic. I basically stopped responding to her half way through the session because I felt there was no need to try to explain to yet another doc that I am not making this up, I really am experiencing what I am. We battled back and forth. She keeps insisting I do not have panic attacks because something would be precipitating them and mine come out of nowhere (while I'm watching movies, playing games, etc) and I told her that that was the definition of panic disorder... unprecipitated attacks... she insisted something still precipitates or triggers them. She thinks they are just bodily sensations that I am experiencing and getting upset over. I don't care what we label them, they are what they are to me. I am going to spend nonstop time during the day when I am not bad working on a workbook. I had stopped because she told me not to work on it, but I don't see what harm it can do, and I'm desperate at this point. She wanted to hospitalize me, but I don't think meds are going to fix this, and that's all they do is medicate you. I also do not know if I am going to keep my next session with her as I am highly upset with her. She claims it's what borderlines do, use physical issues to mask emotional so they don't have to be dealt with and thats why they switch therapists so much. I am disheartened because I trusted her and she was the only one that seemed to be making any effort to help me. Enough rambling for now, my anger is talking.....