Medication Phobia - Why is it not treated as any other phobia?!?

So I've been stewing over the hard time every health care profession I see is giving me over my "refusal to take meds". Let me expand. I am not REFUSING meds, just heavy meds (antipsychotics, lithium, etc). I was quite willing to start Zoloft and give it a chance (even though I don't have much faith in SSRI's as I have been on so many of them in the past), and had a nasty bout of serotonin syndrome. My NP (I think I mentioned this before) didn't believe me and told me I didn't really have it, even though an ER doc and pharmacist saw me during it and both confirmed it (I believe pharmacists over most docs about meds - they know the chemical makeup so much better).

I hate being called a liar or hypochondriac, really hits a nerve. Anyhow, every time these people (NP, psychiatrist, therapist who runs my Day Therapy program) talk about how I am "non-med compliant and refusing meds" and how I will not get better unless I take them or it will just be a lot harder to recover, I simply repeat again that I am not refusing, I am terrified. Three horrible incidents with meds in a 2 month span induced a med phobia with me - not that I liked them much to begin with.

So, I have asked numerous times how to get past this and take the Zoloft or any other med for that matter because I panic even with OTC meds now, and I am told to just take it. That is not how other phobias are treated. If someone is agoraphobic *cough* they are told to be home alone, then maybe walk to the mailbox, then stay outside 5 minutes, and gradually work up to confronting their fears - exposure and response, right? So why is this being treated so differently? It really peeves me to be taken as "hostile" even though I explain it every time. I can not be the only person in the world who has had a medication phobia, comeon! *stomps feet*

New Endeavors

So I am trying to focus on non-medicinal therapies. I have gotten a TON of different things to listen to on guided imagery, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, breathing, sleep aids, and hypnosis. A friend recently told me it seemed to help his anxiety, so I've been looking into it. I am really into Dr. Andrew Weil and I think I'm going to try out "Heal Yourself With Medical Hypnosis" first. I have quite a few issues I could use it for (IE tension headaches, IBS, etc) but first and foremost for me is anxiety. These panic attacks have to stop once and for all. I really think the medical professionals I have been in contact with lately have brought down my hope... telling me I won't get better without meds and therapy won't help. Well I am going to prove them wrong, if it's the last thing I do. Mind over matter, baby. I listened to his first CD and it's about an hour of him explaining how hypnosis works and the power the mind has over the sympathetic nervous system. He even talks about how people who have cold hands and feet due to bad circulation (me 100% - I am like ice!) should try it as it is a sign that they are susceptible to the sympathetic nervous system causing issues. We shall see. I hope I'm in that 70% that is receptive to the suggestiveness of it *crosses fingers*.

"In general, I believe that no condition is out of bounds for trying hypnotherapy on."- Dr. Andrew Weil, Author and Health Expert

Time Magazine reports in "Mind Over Medicine" how hypnosis is becoming an alternative to sedation. March 2006.

Hypnosis is AMA Approved
Hypnosis was accepted by the American Medical Association (AMA) in 1959 as a valuable & non-invasive therapy.

*Lets see, shall we? :)

If you can't beat it...

Then become a master of it? Isn't that what Batman does for fighting villains? He studies them and becomes a vigilante. I want to be like Batman! I've thought about it on and off for awhile, but I know that when this is all said and done (because I really believe it will be one day), I will help others. I keep thinking "If I'm not getting the help I need, then what better way but becoming a "specialist" myself." So, I've been toying with getting a degree, but from what I hear you now need a doctorate (in like 2010 or 2011) to become a clinical psychologist. I want to help people and I'm not sure what a Bachelor's or Master's (which I really don't want to do as I don't want to put more than 4 more years into schooling) would enable me to do in the field. You would think if there's a shortage of health care professionals... making the requirements higher is going to help, eh? I feel I am constantly reminded of this. I must admit I am a bit of a sap for romance (Okay, okay a HUGE sap), and I occasionally will admit to reading some lovey dovey novels (I openly admit to loving chick flicks). Well I am reading a Nora Robert's novel called Sea Swept. This is my first Nora Robert's novel, and it actually doesn't have a lot of romance in it and I'm already halfway done. Anyway, my point is the social worker got into social work because she was in the system and saw how crappy it could be and wanted to help others like her. She was raped and her mother was killed at a young age, which made her rebel and get into all sorts of trouble, and what pulled her out was a worker who never gave up on her.... I think that's what I'm missing :(

2 Days and No Panic?? Can It Be!?!

I made it all the way through yesterday without a panic attack. I am shocked and happy, though trying not to get my hopes too high, as it feels too good to be true. But I am pretty far into today, and still nothing. I seem to get them around 6-8 every night (not sure why, maybe due to trauma happening in the evening previously, as I have always been more depressed at night) and it's now 8 o'clock.

I saw the NP again today, and she said she was glad to see me because she felt bad about our last visit and I guess stuff like that is why BPD's switch therapists so often. We had a nice chat about my coping/anger issues, and I guess there is a study/interview they are doing from Canadian Mental Health, and 5 locations throughout Canada were selected to be studied. Here is the first location and I am told I'm a major contributor towards their opinion (as they find my case complicated and interesting) and what information they're providing to them, so in a way I am helping shape Canadian mental health standards and research LOL.... poor, poor Canadians :P

Bad Session....

Over 30 days with not a day gone by and no panic attack. I feel like I am going out of my mind. I met with my nurse practitioner today to followup and she basically told me all the medical things that happened to me are in my head, and that she hasn't even bothered sending off any of my referrals. I don't know why she pushed me knowing I have been feeling suicidal due to all the nonstop panic. I basically stopped responding to her half way through the session because I felt there was no need to try to explain to yet another doc that I am not making this up, I really am experiencing what I am. We battled back and forth. She keeps insisting I do not have panic attacks because something would be precipitating them and mine come out of nowhere (while I'm watching movies, playing games, etc) and I told her that that was the definition of panic disorder... unprecipitated attacks... she insisted something still precipitates or triggers them. She thinks they are just bodily sensations that I am experiencing and getting upset over. I don't care what we label them, they are what they are to me. I am going to spend nonstop time during the day when I am not bad working on a workbook. I had stopped because she told me not to work on it, but I don't see what harm it can do, and I'm desperate at this point. She wanted to hospitalize me, but I don't think meds are going to fix this, and that's all they do is medicate you. I also do not know if I am going to keep my next session with her as I am highly upset with her. She claims it's what borderlines do, use physical issues to mask emotional so they don't have to be dealt with and thats why they switch therapists so much. I am disheartened because I trusted her and she was the only one that seemed to be making any effort to help me. Enough rambling for now, my anger is talking.....

Not Again! Serotonin Syndrome!?!

Only me, who has this many issues on medications, I swear. I have a phobia about meds now, due to all of this. I decided no more heavy meds, period. So I was even anxious to start another med, but Wellbutrin isn't exactly good for anxiety so they wanted me to switch off of it. I chose Zoloft, because I was on it twice before with no issues (approx 7-8 years ago). The only other meds I was taking was BusSpar 7.5 mg twice daily and clonazepam as needed... then a multivitamin and fish oil. I picked up the Zoloft and was supposed to start 50 mg at bedtime for the first week then up it to 100. I took it that night, and seemed to feel wierd and not be able to fall asleep. At first I thought it was just my anxiety about meds so I took some Benedryl and it knocked me out about 2 hours after I took it. I woke up 5 hours later with a start, feeling like my chest was on fire and going to explode. My skin hurt everywhere, and I was twitching which I could not seem to control. I woke the hubby up and he looked it up and said it sounded like something called serotonin syndrome, which I had never heard of. Since it was Saturday early a.m. my only option was to go to the ER. I waited 4 hours, then the doc saw me and confirmed and said it was probably caused by too much serotonin from Zoloft and BuSpar. She told me all I could do was wait it out so I went home...

I slept for an hour then went to see the pharmacist who gave me the meds and she was in awe, as she had never seen anyone actually have it. It felt great to be so admired at a time like that *glares*. She told me to take my BuSpar or I'd go into withdrawal. So I took it. About 30 min later I got much worse and had to go back to the ER. They admitted me to acute care for the day and gave me fluids and monitored me. All my results came back negative so they told me the same thing... not to take the BuSpar because it wouldn't cause withdrawal though, and only time will help.

I felt so awful. I could literally feel my hair growing in my skin and when they just touched me for chest moitors, IVs, etc it actually hurt. I kept getting this rolling heat that came through my chest, down my arms and into my stomach. Suprisingly, I barely panicked. I only really panicked when I first woke up and then after the BuSpar. If I can make it through that how can I panic every day over much smaller things? It's so despairing....

Today I am feeling better... tremors are gone and heat is gone. I am shaky and weak and my skin is a lot less sore. I am currently taking nothing but some nexium for an ulcer. I am really wondering how much more I can take and why me =(

Need to post during the day

I find I am feeling better during the day, and I get almost cocky that my daily panic attacks have stopped, until night time comes around and BAM out of nowhere it hits me. I get really bad, and thinking or even blogging about it makes me worse. So from now on I am going to make an effort to do it during the day when I am feeling well. I am told I have an ulcer from the lithium incident, so I am on Nexium for 2 weeks (hopefully) and it should be gone. I really hope so, because I cannot stand any weird feelings in my chest. It scares me and makes me panic more. It all started a few years ago with an allergic reaction to a med while I was in ICU. Ever since then, I get really weird about anything that could possibly affect my breathing. Then the Immitrex thing a month ago just did me in. Panic attacks almost every day since. I refuse to take Klonopin today. I've made it this far, and if I get that bad I'll just go to bed. I've been on it daily for a month and I don't want to form an addiction, plus I already feel it doesn't work as good as it used to.... or maybe I'm just worse.

I was informed today I am being assigned to a Psychologist (it's only been 8 months as a high priority, ya see) and to stop the Day Program. So hopefully I'll be getting a phone call in the next few days with who specifically it is, and when my first appointment is. I cannot wait. All I have asked for from the start is therapy, no drugs, no hospital, just therapy. Somehow they think I was only listed for a Psychiatrist at first, which is not true. In fact, I specified no Psychiatrist as I did not want to be medicated. So far, the health system here in Canada really scares me. I dunno if its just my area, or all of Canada but I'd love some input on that. Maybe I need to move to a more populated area or something lol.

My dad is coming up to visit in 2 weeks and I really hope I have a grip on these panic attacks as he may want to go out at night, which is when I am the worst, and he is not very understanding when it comes to psychiatric issues. I will give him credit that he has tried in the past few years, but some comments tell me that he's not quite there.